We tend to look at grief as something very unpleasant and negative, however if we change perspective, we can find great opportunity in it. One of them is the possibility to redefine ourselves.

A very common scenario is that our identity was formed more by external factors (family, friends, partners, teachers, colleagues, society etc.) than by internal ones. As a child we were like a sculpture, more sculptors worked on us. Some of them were gifted, some of them were less talented. As a result of this many of us entered adulthood with self-love deficit and a false image of ourselves and others. We didn’t have a stable identity, many of our characters, values, beliefs were borrowed from others.

When a loss occurs in our life, especially a significant one, it shakes us to the core. What happens in this state is, that the pain softens the sculpture, a chisel is offered by fate. If we grab it and willing to have a closer look at the sculpture, we have the chance to reshape it to our own taste. Surprisingly, some parts of it we will find perfect and we want to keep them just as they are. In fact, we won’t understand why we didn’t see this earlier. Shockingly, we will discover some traits of us that we don’t like and they can’t not be changed. They belong only to us, we can’t give them back to anyone. We embrace this part of us with love, compassion and without any judgement.

The child doesn’t have any choice but to depend on the people around him/her. They contribute greatly to his/her identity creation. As an adult we have all of the tools to be independent, not just financially, mentally and spiritually too. We can be and should be the only sculptor of our sculpture. There is no need to give away our power and let others influence us who we are. Based on our knowledge, understanding and experience we decide who we would like to be. By carving we get rid of the old characters, values, beliefs that don’t serve our life. Seeing the work of art as a whole, we can say thank you to the people who did a wonderful job when were young, naive and innocent. Also, we can forgive those who caused harm. We let them go peacefully, their mission ended long time ago.

It is always possible to change however at the state of grief due to the complex and intense emotions we become malleable, we can be easily shaped without breaking or cracking. This allows us to go deep within and establish the identity that is in alignment with our true authentic self. Grief isn’t just about pain and suffering. It could be the catalyst of our greatest personal growth.